The rare gift of not having to decide.

Most women I know carry the mental load for everyone around them — the meals, the logistics, the endless small decisions that keep our worlds running. 

We're so used to it that we barely feel the weight anymore.

The consequences of chronic stress are real

When we are so accustomed to a level of stress that it feels normal, or unchangeable, we miss the realization that the ongoing pressure compounds and takes a toll.

It’s often not until the pressure eases that we even realize how heavy it felt, and how it hampered us.

Here’s an example of how one client came to see the toll of her overwrought life.

Feeling overwhelmed, she started by focusing on setting small boundaries to protect her time and energy.

This was new for her, so we looked for an opportunity for her to test a new different approach.

When a committee leader at work expected her to take on additional duties, as she had often said “yes” to in the past, she replied that she would get back to them.

By taking time to think before replying, she clearly determined that this request would entail time she needed to devote to other important work commitments, and would rob her of needed time for personal commitments, too. 

She practiced the way she would respond, as saying “no” felt uncomfortable. 

She then clearly and calmly stated that she had other commitments that precluded her from taking on more at this time.

She was relieved that, without drama, the leader went on to ask someone else.

This opening of a small bit of space, and feeling less pressured, helped her to gently set more boundaries.

And, she realized that the tension of doing too much had been contributing to grinding her teeth at night — something she had been suffering from for several years.

The pain of that chronic habit started to slowly subside, and she was also less irritable.

These benefits were clear signs that making space for her wellbeing mattered.

A sweet way to open space for yourself

One of the things I love about leading retreats is providing a very special way to lift weight off your shoulders.

My retreats are designed for you to have space and time that is clear, special, supportive.

Things are planned and beautiful.

The days have a gentle rhythm. You know where to be and when, and the rest of the time belongs to you.

That space opens your heart and brings insights into the light.

Women tell me afterward that they’d forgotten what it feels like to be cared for that way, to arrive somewhere with nothing to manage and finally hear themselves think.

You deserve that kind of ease far more often than you may allow yourself to have it.

If reading this made you exhale a little, that's worth listening to.

This is exactly the space I’ve built into L’Aventure Française — a week where nothing is yours to manage. The itinerary, the meals, the details, all handled, so your only job is to show up and be present.

If you've been carrying the load for everyone else for a while now, this might be the season to let something carry you. I’d love to have you there.  

Stuck in indecision? Here's what helped me break free.

How do you feel about making decisions?

Maybe you feel clear about some matters and hesitate about others. Maybe making decisions frequently hangs you up.

I vividly recall a conversation with my Production Manager years ago when I was running my design firm. In a 360 annual review conversation she told me that she wanted me to make faster decisions. I was unaware of how much frustration she felt while waiting for me to make decisions. She said deciding more quickly (no matter what I was mulling over) would enable her to take action, and that it would be fine if my decisions were not always “perfect.” We could always course-correct together and keep moving forward. 

That one conversation was a game-changer for me.

As a life-long perfectionist I always fretted over making the “right” — even aiming for a “perfect” — decision. I started to test her theory that things would be better if I made decisions more quickly, and was amazed at the positive impact it had on the work that we and our team did.

We quickly assessed the quality of my decisions and made great progress when they were sound, or adjusted and kept going if we discovered shortcomings.

How do you approach decisions?

Interestingly, challenges with decision-making have been showing up with several of my coaching clients lately, particularly when they face making decisions that are complex and have what feel like big consequences.

Some decisions can be made fairly easily by doing research and coming to a conclusion. Even then, many people start rethinking and questioning and projecting concerns. That can lead to loops of anxious indecision.

Some decisions are not based on facts and logic — such as choosing a paint color for the exterior of a home, or what dress to buy for a significant family event — and bring up anxiety related to other emotions and concerns.

These questions can help when making decisions

Whatever the decision you are making, consider the frame of mind from which are you operating.

Do you feel pressured?

If you pause and realize you feel pressured to make a decision, ask yourself if the pressure you feel is something you have put on yourself, or if it’s from someone else.

You can choose to operate from a new frame of mind when you become aware that you have put the pressure on yourself.

If the pressure is external, you may realize it is not related to a true deadline, and then reset your mindset. If there is a true deadline, you can try to extend the deadline. If that is not possible, asking yourself the following questions can help.

Are your concerns or doubts true?

When you notice you are ruminating on what to do, get curious.

Ask yourself if your doubts are actually true. You may realize they are not, and then feel free to make a decision.

You may realize that you have exaggerated concerns, or maybe that you have invented concerns. Insights like those can be liberating.

What emotion is running the show?

Fear often puts us in a state of struggle when making a decision, or can lead to second-guessing decisions we have made.

One approach that can help is to ask yourself what you would advise someone else facing a similar decision. That separates your fears from the clear thinking you need.

Need more facts? Go after the missing information. If you realize you have reasoned it all out, trust yourself to make a decision.

In the case of decisions like choosing a color for your house, or what to do for a weekend away, ask yourself: “What do I like?” and, “What do I prefer?” and, “What do I desire?”

Your answers will start to narrow the options.

Then get quiet and listen to your intuition. 

It may take some practice, but trusting the intuitive information that resides in your gut is a great way to move forward when you feel stuck in indecision.

And if my old friend perfectionism is at the root of indecision for you, take it from me and practice pushing it aside. I have learned that there is rarely a perfect decision or answer, and that striving for perfection robs you of so much that is wonderful.