Boundaries — what they are and why to love them

Many women I talk to fail to consider — or actively avoid — setting boundaries.

I know that I had not given boundaries much thought for most of my life. And when I began to think about setting boundaries, a lot of discomfort showed up.

The truth, that I have come to understand and experience, is that each boundary you set is a gift to yourself. And boundaries can always be set with kindness. 

This is a big topic — in fact, so big that I will address different types of boundaries now, as well as why they are important. Next week I will share ways to set boundaries that will help you live your best life.

Consider two types of boundaries

There are physical boundaries and abstract personal boundaries. Both of these categories are important.

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries include things like walls and fences. We can all recall what moats with drawbridges look like, that were built in medieval times to protect castles from invaders.

When we set a physical boundary, we are making it explicit to people to respect our space and not intrude on our privacy. 

You may want to set physical boundaries related to the kinds of physical contact you welcome — and contact you do not want. Perhaps you hate being hugged. Perhaps you don’t like being in crowded places. 

You may want to create private physical spaces, indoors (such as a room of your own) or outdoors (think fences and walls), where you can have solitude or pursue personal projects or activities. You may want people to knock before entering a room you occupy.

You may want to create a private space where your personal belongings, such as journals or keepsakes, will not be seen by others.

You may set boundaries related to material things you are willing/not willing to share, such as objects or money.

Some people need to set boundaries to have private spaces that will protect their safety.

Emotional boundaries

An emotional personal boundary is a limit, or rule, that you set with others (and sometimes with yourself) to delineate things that are important to you and your wellbeing.

In short, by setting these boundaries you make clear what is acceptable to you.

Emotional boundaries can relate to your time in a variety of ways.

When are you available? This can be to take phone calls or answer emails, or available to help with doing tasks for others. 

What tasks are you willing to take on, such as saying yes to doing “favors” for people, or doing more than your “fair share” (at home and at work)?

Emotional boundaries relate to your spirit, too. In these cases, you are setting limits to protect your emotional wellbeing.

For instance, you may choose which information to share and things to keep to yourself.

Or, if you have compromised your wellbeing by tolerating a relationship that is not healthy for you, you may know that a change is needed.

Here is another example. Maybe you allow others’ behavior to distress you, rather than creating a virtual, energetic boundary to protect your wellbeing — even in the face of their insensitivity or deliberately hurtful actions.

Why not bring awareness to places and situations where new or better boundaries will be helpful, in order to bring you more happiness and/or reduce stress in your life?

The gifts that boundaries deliver

While it may feel uncomfortable to think about setting boundaries — with people you are close to, with colleagues and clients, with strangers — you will reap many benefits. 

You will feel increased self-confidence and happiness.

Your relationships will be stronger and better when you clearly communicate what you want and do not want, as well as what you need and what are unwilling to tolerate.

You will feel great when you hold your standards, without guilt or apologies.

You will protect your spirit and feel grounded and clear.

Doesn’t all of that sound great?

Next week I will share ways to set new boundaries. It is often less “hard” to do than you may think!

Six months in, six to go!

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July has arrived, and with it the realization that this year has hit the mid-point. This is a perfect time to pause and think about where you are as you head into the second half of the year.

Here are some ways you can take stock:

1. Check in with your word-of-the-year — or choose one now

If, way back in January, you chose a word to guide your year, this is a great time to revisit the word you selected and reflect on how you've been using it to inspire and guide you the last 6 months — or how you want to reconnect to the word you chose and have it inspire you now.

And, if you did not choose a word for yourself, but want to know how you can choose one to guide you in the final half of the year, check out my blog post about how to approach this wonderful practice.

2. Revisit the plans you made, the dreams you dreamed, the goals you set

Many people make big plans, dream, or set ambitious goals for themselves as the year begins. If you were moved to do something like that, now’s the perfect time to think about what’s happened to those ambitions.

If you have let things slip, this is the time to reconnect with them, review your progress to date, and decide if you are still feeling the same motivation. Maybe something has shifted in an important way and you will see different or more beneficial opportunities. Maybe you will have an idea for a simpler or better way to approach a goal that you struggled with.

Maybe your assessment will show that you are ahead of where you expected. If that’s the case, now is the time to decide if you want to expand on the goal, if the pace has been working or if you’ve pushed harder than you’ve liked, or if you want to celebrate the completion and embark on a small additional goal for the last six months of the year.

And, consider what lessons have you learned — lessons that you can build on now, or that will shine a light on modifications that will make it easier to proceed.

3. Commit to the actions you need to take now

Having great intentions does not ensure progress or success. Commitment is needed! And true commitment requires you to make specific plans and follow through.

Now is the time to start listing what it will take to accomplish your objectives. This is a good project to do when you have some quiet time (maybe on a beach?) to sit, think, and get real about all the steps that will make your wish a reality. Then, with a detailed list in hand, it’s time to schedule each step in your calendar. Be realistic as you do this. Consider the time each task is likely to take. Work around vacations, major family events, conferences you’ll be traveling to, etc. The more carefully you schedule the tasks, the more likely you’ll be to stick with your plan and make satisfying progress.

And, look for someone who can help you stay on track. Who do you know that wants to be intentional in the second half of the year and might be a good Accountability Partner? This is a great way for you to support one another — and to celebrate your successes, too!

And, you can consider having a coach to support you to get clear about the life and work questions on your mind — to live the big life you long for — so that you can set clear objectives and get help to step into your future with intention and commitment. If that’s something you want to explore, I welcome you to set up an Introductory Coaching Call with me. There’s no cost or obligation for us to meet. Simply complete the Coaching Inquiry Form and I’ll be in touch to make a date with you.